


Too Far Gone

by Clarke_kom_eden



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Confessions, F/M, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Season/Series 05 Spoilers, Season/Series 06 Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-07-01 01:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15763392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clarke_kom_eden/pseuds/Clarke_kom_eden
Summary: Before they wake anyone else, Bellamy and Clarke finally have that much needed talk.Post season 5 finale.





	Too Far Gone

The ship was deathly quiet, all except for the oddly comforting hum of the engine, just like on the ark, just like the ring. It was the sound of familiarity, the sound of home.  
  
Bellamy wondered the rooms alone. They all needed some time to think, and neither Clarke or Bellamy wanted to overwhelm Jordan too much right away by waking anyone else. They agreed to meet back in an hour, after they’d had some time to breathe.

That was when he stumbled upon them. Drawings pinned up on the walls in what must have previously been Monty and Harper's room. The paper was so fragile it looked as if it might disintegrate upon his touch, the lines faded with age, but he could just make out his own likeness amongst the many. He recognised the artist immediately. But how had these come to be in Monty and Harpers possession?

Lost in thought, he hadn't noticed Clarke enter the room behind him, and her small gasp made him jump.  
He turned to look at her, her eyes still red from crying, as she surveyed the room. She took a tentative step forward and stood beside him, but her gaze remained fixed on the walls.  
'I never thought I'd see these again.’  
'They’re beautiful. I always wondered how Madi knew who I was.’  
'There was a lot of time to fill. Although, I didn't factor in the beard.’ She looked up at him, and managed a small smile, which Bellamy returned.  
'You don't like it?’ He asked, stroking it with his fingers. Clarke's smile widened, but she gave no answer.  
Clarke looked back around at the other drawings, and let out a breath at the sight of a 6 year old Madi, wild and strong, looking back at her. Her mother must have saved them and brought them back with her from the gas station.  
'Is that Madi?’ Bellamy asked  
'Yeah, when I first met her. You know she almost cut my foot off. She’d survived all alone.’  
'So did you.’  
'Barely. It's a lot more impressive when you're 6.’  
Bellamy had to take the chance. He had to tell her that he knew. When would they get another opportunity to talk before everything spiralled out of control again. He turned his body to face her.  
'Before we went into cryo, Madi told me something. About your radio calls. I had no idea.’  
Clarke felt a stab of panic in her chest. She swallowed.  
'I wanted to try to let you know, that you did the right thing, leaving me. That I was proud of you. I knew you'd be blaming yourself, but you had no choice.’  
It wasn't quite enough for Bellamy, so he pressed her further.  
'Fine, that explains the first call. What about the others?’  
'It was, i…’  
'I missed talking to you too.’ He stepped in, finishing her sentence. He was beginning to understand a little more now about how difficult Clarke was finding it, opening up and expressing herself, since her isolation. 'Clarke, I’m sorry, for giving Madi the flame, for putting her in danger.’  
Clarke shook her head.  
'No, I’m sorry, for leaving you. And then, it was too late, I couldn't go back, Octavia had her people try to kill us…’  
She trailed off. She didn't mean to try to make excuses, what she had done was wrong, but at the time, everything had happened so fast.  
'Clarke?’ Bellamy's voice snapped her back into the moment. 'You're doing it again. I can see you thinking, but you're keeping it all inside. Talk to me. You talked to me before right? Everyday. Why can't you talk to me now?’  
'For one thing, you never spoke back.’ She raised her eyebrows, slightly teasingly, and it warmed Bellamy's heart. She was still in there somewhere, buried beneath the walls she had built.

Bellamy felt brave, so he reached a hand out to stroke her arm. They always used to share these small touches before, but since his return to earth, after their initial reunion, they had both been keeping a distance between themselves. He knew he was as much to blame, the circumstances were, complicated, but he wanted to be close to her again, he couldn't deny it. He thought she’d felt it too, when she let him put his arm around her before, and rested her head on his chest.

But the second he touched her, she took a step back.  
'I should check on Jordan.’  
'Jordan needs some time, Clarke. We’ll take care of him, but right now, he needs to grieve. He hasn't had to survive what we have. Losing people, it's new to him, but he’ll be ok, because he was raised by the best people I've ever known. Stop avoiding me.’  
Clarke furrowed her brow.  
'I’m not…’  
'I lived with Murphy for 6 years. He would run away anytime anyone tried to get him to open up, to the point where he actually decided to live on the other side of the ring, by himself. Do you really want to be Murphy?’  
'He did?’  
'This is about you Clarke. If we’re going to be in charge again, with all these people, from all these different backgrounds, if we’re going to bring them all together, on a new planet, then you and I have to be in this together. But you keep pulling away from me. Right from the start, when I asked you how you survived. You could have told me about the calls yourself, but you didn't. I needed to know.’  
Clarke was growing a little angry now. When she had made those calls, she knew there was every chance he could have heard her, but she’d needed to do it, for her. But him knowing now, like this, it made her feel exposed, and vulnerable. He hadn't heard them, and he had moved on. So why did he have to keep bringing them up?  
'What use would it have been Bellamy? What would it have changed?’ She snapped, frustrated.  
'Everything!’ He yelled back, much louder than he meant to. Clarke blinked in surprise, and Bellamy softened his tone before continuing, 'Everything. I didn't know Clarke. I thought I was in this alone.’  
Clarke could only stare at him, open mouthed. But her defensive instincts overcame her.  
'I can't do this Bell.’ She turned to walk away, but Bellamy was quick. He grabbed her arm and spun her around.  
'No Clarke. You don't get to decide that. I want to talk about this. I can't live with regrets anymore. I thought you were dead, and I had so many things I wanted to tell you.' He finally dropped her arm, his expression forlorn, ‘And then you were alive, you were in front of me, and I still couldn't tell you.’  
'You shouldn't. You shouldn't say anymore. We’re ok, Bellamy.’  
Clarke managed to hold it together before turning to walk away again, her throat raw from swallowing back silent sobs.  
'I loved you Clarke, and if I’d known you were alive, I’d have waited.’

Clarke turned on the spot.  
'Why!? Why are you telling me this now!? Are you trying to hurt me!?’ She yelled, her heart breaking at what they had lost.  
'No! No, I just needed you to know.’  
'For you, not for me! You have someone, someone you love. Someone who loves you back. How does any of this help us to work together? To move on?’  
Bellamy stood wordlessly in front of her. She looked almost as furious as the day she had slapped him, but her eyes were filled with tears, the anger a mask for her pain. Neither of them spoke for a moment, then Bellamy dropped down wearily to sit on the bed, his shoulders hunched.  
'Do you love me, Clarke?’  
Clarke stepped back in shock. How could he ask her that?  
'It doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't change anything.’  
'It could though. I can't do this anymore, these games, the dishonesty. Look at our lives. We fight to survive, but for what? Harper and Monty, maybe they got it right. They just wanted to be happy, nothing more. I can't lie to myself, or to her, it's not fair on anyone.’

Clarke watched his face, the sadness in his eyes. He looked exhausted, and she remembered, he was grieving too. To him, it was only hours ago he had seen them, Monty and Harper, his family, and now they were gone.  
'I’m so sorry, Bell, about Monty and Harper. This, this isn’t the time to be talking like this. It's just a reaction to...everything.’  
He closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath, before looking up at her.  
'It’s not. There's always something, Clarke, and I'm tired of it. Despite everything, Monty and Harper wanted to wake us first, because they wanted us to lead together. Because they know, we’re better, together.’  
'And we will.’ Clarke assured him.  
'But you want to keep lying?’  
'It’s not lying. Maybe, at some point, we could have...but that was before. You said it yourself, you loved me. Past tense. It's over now Bellamy.’  
'Why are you still pushing me away?!’  
'I’m not. You don't need me coming between what you have. I just want what's best for you, I’m trying to keep you safe.’  
'Safe from what?!’  
The tears fell heavy from her eyes as she finally released her truth.  
'From me! I... I do love you. Too much, to let you love me.’  
Bellamy stood up, quickly closing the space between them, and gently placed his hand on her face, but Clarke would not meet his eyes.  
'Clarke…’ He tried.  
'Every person I have loved, everyone who's loved me, has died because of me. I’m the commander of death.’  
'That’s not true, none of that was your fault.’  
'It is. And you. Look at what i did. I left you to die.’  
Bellamy made an exaggerated shrug.  
'We’re past that.’  
But Clarke was in no mood for jokes.  
'You stood outside the ship, the earth about to be destroyed, because you couldn't leave your friends again. You could have died.’  
Bellamy wiped the tears from her cheek with his thumb.  
'My choice Clarke, all my choices. Poisoning O, all of it. And I would do it all again. You can't protect me from that. No matter how hard you push me away, I would still do it all again. It's too late for me Clarke, you can't save me from loving you, I’m too far gone.’  
She shook her head, frustrated, and Bellamy dropped his hand from her face, but only so he could hold her. She gripped his shirt tightly in response and rested her head on his chest.  
'Stop. Stop making it sound simple. None of this is simple.’  
'I know. I know I have a lot to work out, and I know we have a whole new planet to discover, but if we're honest, if we know what we want from each other, then we can do it all, properly this time. Together. Are you ready for that?’

Clarke finally looked up to meet his gaze. She didn't think she’d ever be truly ready. Once she started down this road with Bellamy, she knew there would be no turning back. She would lose herself in him. But he was right, it was too late for both of them. They had started down this path so long ago, it was hard to remember where they had begun. It was always twisting and winding, but the journeys end had stayed the same. It was inevitable, and it was them, reaching their destination, together.


End file.
